After only three days away, I have returned to find myself feeling more displaced than ever. I love my city, I love my friends… but I can’t stop feeling as if there is so much MORE to all of this. Wandering through the mountains and living devoid of money and transportation was more comforting than I could have ever imagined. I’m ready to sack it all and take off.
“I want to be a woman who lives totally abandoned to the first commandment. To love my Lord, my God, with all my heart. I don’t want the reputation that I love God, I don’t want to write songs about loving God, I don’t want to talk about loving God. I want to actually love God. When I close my eyes, I want my heart to move. When I close my eyes and I look at Him, I want to feel alive on the inside. I want to look at Him with a fire in my heart and it’s real.”—Misty Edwards (via heisjealousforme, classyliving)
Some days it’s a little harder to breathe than others. Like today. But that’s just because my nose has more snot in it than… well, something that has a lot of snot in it. I was going to be witty and come up with something clever, but I’m sick and my brain only half-works right now.
I feel like a big jerk. In the past two days, all I’ve done is be sick and tired (feverish, too). And in my sickness and tiredness, I’ve totally shunned the Lord. No quiet time, no Bible reading, hardly any real prayers. And the thing is, it SHOWS. I’m a lot more snappy and rude to people, I actually swore yesterday, and I’ve just generally been unhappy.
Funny how that works. Step away from the light, you lose your joy. Duh.
i like the idea that somewhere, you’re hiding my love! sometimes, i imagine that we’re doing the same mundane things at the same time…waiting as the time counts down until the day that we finally meet.
I just got back from a run. Yes, you heard me: a run.
(If you know me at all, you’re most likely confused, seeing as I hate exercising. Which is weird, since I’m a lifeguard at a YMCA. But that’s neither here nor there)
Usually, when I have too many thoughts in my head, I work them out one of two ways: cleaning my room, or going for a run. My room is filthy, and for some reason, today, I chose to run.
I set out shortly before sunset. I was running to escape so many emotions: feelings of abandonment, loneliness, discontentment, confusion, frustration, heartache… and so on. My thoughts were so heavy, it felt as if they could break my bones. But, the more I ran, the more exhausted I got, and the less my thoughts were able to keep hold of me. My iPod as loud as I could get it, I listened to Kim Walker worship the God of the world around me.
At some point or another, I looked up to the sky. It was shortly before the end of “You Won’t Relent”. I stopped; it was just so beautiful. The clouds were shaded in pinks, oranges, and purples, rolling through the sky, ever-moving. A thunderstorm was slowly moving in on the neighborhood, and the cloud cover was so powerfully beautiful. I just stood there, mesmerized. And I felt so small.
God is bigger than my problems. And if He cares enough to paint the sky for me every evening (even on nights when I don’t care enough to notice), He cares about all my other stupid problems, too. He loves me. What a beautiful thing.
After standing there for a few minutes, my heart once again ravished by my First Love, I tuned my iPod to “How He Loves”, and sang it at the top of my lungs. Right there, in the middle of the street, at 7pm, I sang my heart out to the God of thunderclouds and music and love and breezes. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so alive.