My health insurance ended today so I made a last-minute trip to Urgent Care to get antibiotics and hopefully kill this thing before it gets worse. Good thing I quit smoking yesterday. I’ve only hit the wall once or twice today; apparently I only crave cigarettes when I listen to gangsta rap (I wish I were kidding).
I’m going to go sip tea and read the night away. G’night, kids.
I’ve found myself completely content to sit alone at home and read all night long. Moreover, large groups of people have begun to make me feel a little unsettled. Thank goodness for cigarettes, which give me an excuse to leave any given place and sit alone for a short time without raised suspicions.
Perhaps this is just a phase, but I don’t mind it either way.
thank you! and you’re welcome! and thank you! (:
i could fill up three days with all that i did and saw today, and i would still be exhausted.
i’m super sweaty right now; it’s quite hot in this house.
eminem is blasting on the speakers.
all my friends are on the porch.
we just finished playing a game of ‘life’ that we abandoned halfway through. which i guess, means we never actually finished it.
my hair is a different color.
none of this matters.
by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul
(if you haven’t already, read this post from a few days ago)
Last night the storm hit. It was nothing like I expected.
I see it now, I understand:
That storm- the one I watched approach me from the horizon, the one I anxiously awaited while bleeding out on the shoreline- that storm was the Lord, coming with the roar of thunder, the brilliance of lightening, the chaos of wind and water, to rescue me. And in a funny twist of events, I am so thankful for the wound in my side. For, if I were not so mortally wounded, I would have had the stamina to run from the storm. It was in my weakness that the Lord was able to approach me, pour out the healing rain of love on me and make me whole again. The storm that I feared was my saving grace; the wound in my side was my ticket to healing.
The tears that once were such a bitter wine have aged, and they taste so sweet to my spirit. I am dark, I am lovely. I have been, and always will be, a rose of Sharon. Hallelujah!
Sweet dear, do not fear the storm. Allow yourself to be weak in His presence; it’s okay to be broken. The Lord can handle your anger, disappointment and frustration with Him for not giving you what you wanted- but you can’t handle it. To be cut off from God… what could be worse? Let Him come close and pour out His love on you. All He wants to do is love you. To love and be loved by God, that is all that matters.
“In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah.” (Psalm 81:7)
worried about money. worried about the future. worried about my parents being proud of me. worried about finding another job. worried about my orthodontist being pissed at me for losing half my retainer and having to have my parents buy a new one when i don’t want it anyway and that’s a lot of money. worried about not being good enough. worried about living in a way that doesn’t love. worried about being stuck in a job i hate my whole life. worried about being forgotten. worried about being alone.“Then He said to His disciples: don’t worry about your life, what you will eat; or about the body, what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they don’t sow or reap; they don’t have a storeroom or a barn; yet God feeds them. Aren’t you worth much more than the birds? Can any of you add a cubit to his height by worrying? If then you’re not able to do even a little thing, why worry about the rest?
Then He said to His disciples: “Therefore I tell you, Consider how the wildflowers grow: they don’t labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that’s how God clothes the grass, which is in the field today and is thrown into the furnace tomorrow, how much more will He do for you—you of little faith. Don’t keep striving for what you should eat and what you should drink, and don’t be anxious. For the Gentile world eagerly seeks all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek His kingdom, and these things will be provided for you. Don’t be afraid, little flock,because your Father delights to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Make money-bags for yourselves that won’t grow old, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” - Luke 12:22-32
A girl approaches the shore. Her right hand is clutched to her side as she tries in vain to cover her gaping wound, yet the blood still manages to find its way through her tightly-gripped fingers. She is tired, she is lonely, she is weak. All her comforts have been stripped from her, all her lovers have left her, so she goes to the shore. The dark waters lap at her feet and the sand is rough beneath her heels. The water is cold, uninviting, nearly menacing. She glances overhead, only to see dark clouds. As she casts her gaze farther outward, she sees an approaching storm. The wind is picking up, it tousles her hair and sways her stance. Lightening strikes the horizon, thunder rumbles in the distance. A storm is approaching and her heartbeat quickens. She knows that she is not strong enough to withstand the storm, but there is nowhere else to go. She stands on the shoreline, bracing herself for impact.
